April 14, 2003

Saddam Hussein's New Crew

On this day, when our President and his loyal staff are putting strong pressure on Syria to... well... I'm not sure what they want Syria to do, since they are only in the preliminary accusatory stages of their new-found, sure-fire war legitimization M.O. Anyway, on this historic day, I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to Saddam Hussein for gaining membership in the highly selective, highly secretive club of Celebrities/Mythical Characters Who are Both Dead and Alive, Nowhere and Everywhere! He joins the ranks of such notables as Osama bin Laden, Tupac Shakur, Elvis, Bigfoot , Jimmy Hoffa, Dracula, Santa Claus, the Toothfairy, the Devil and God, whose location and alive/dead (or undead) status will be debated by the public, fans and wackos all over the world for years and years to come.

The great thing about belonging to this club is that you can both scare the shit out of people from your grave (or otherworldly location) and scare them when you are sighted (or reported sighted) on the beaches of Cuba, in the chimney or running through the forest in search of hikers to eat for breakfast. Another great thing about this club is that your membership isn't revoked upon actual death (should you be alive when inducted) and no proof of your still being alive will be believed by everyone, should, say the U.S. government insist that you somehow survived all those bunker-buster bombings they tried to kill you with and escaped to Syria, or Jordan, or Iran... What's good to know is that fans, wackos, little kids and U.S. soldiers will continue to search for your location and proof of your life/death status long after anyone really cares.

Long ago I learned that waiting up all night for the Toothfairy or Santa was a big phatty waste of time, not to mention milk (I ate the cookies), so I wonder when George W. will realize Bigfoot probably doesn't exist, that Tupac is no longer a terrorist threat and that Saddam Hussein is really kickin' it on Miami Beach.

0) $paginate_current_page = 0; $paginate_sections = array( 0 ); $paginate_top_section = $paginate_sections[$paginate_current_page-1]+1; $paginate_bottom_section = $paginate_sections[$paginate_current_page]; } else { $paginate_top_section = 1; $paginate_bottom_section = 0; } $paginate_self = '&' . $_SERVER['QUERY_STRING'] . '&'; $paginate_self = preg_replace("/&page=[^&]*&/", "&", $paginate_self); $paginate_self = substr($paginate_self, 1, strlen($paginate_self) - 1); if($paginate_self == '&') $paginate_self = ''; else $paginate_self = htmlentities($paginate_self); $paginate_self = basename($_SERVER['PHP_SELF']) . "?${paginate_self}page"; ?> Posted by Kristina at April 14, 2003 02:53 PM

And don't forget the boogey man!! ;)

Posted by: Jessica at April 14, 2003 05:17 PM

Dude, my theory's that Bin Ladin's playing professional basketball or at least trying out for it. The man is/was like 7 feet tall and fierce as a motherfucking wilderbeast.

Posted by: K. A. Nizami at April 22, 2003 02:40 PM

wouldn't that be poetic justice if saddam was in miami, with all the other retirees, joining club med and collecting social security....

Posted by: jade at April 22, 2003 03:14 PM

Saddam might get Social Security, but none of us will. It's like the greatest Ponzi scheme ever invented.

Posted by: sean at April 22, 2003 04:01 PM