August 22, 2003

Becoming My New Me

On top of having more than my fair share of irrational fears, I find that I have other quasi-neurotic tendencies that I attempt to play down. One of them is to mentally mark off eras in my life by conceptualizing myself as becoming someone new each time I feel that I've set out on a "new path" or just "turned a new leaf." I can look at pictures of myself from various times in my life and remember "who" I used to be then... what I did, who I hung out with, what my favorite color was, what my biggest secret was and what I wanted to change about myself and my life. I used to cut my hair or renew my wardrobe or start doing everyday things differently on purpose, like starting to brush my hair on the left instead of the right or shampooing before soaping in the shower. I like to think of myself as a collection of personal idiosyncrasies (besides being insane) and biographical facts that I can change at will, that I can plan and control in order to form myself into a new, better person. Not that I think any of these things actually make me a new person, just that I think that changing little things about myself helps me adjust to real, substantive changes in my life by imagining that I'm a new person who lives this new life and always has. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I'm sure all of you know what I mean... maybe.

Anyway, it seems my life has fewer and fewer of these distinct eras these days... perhaps because I feel like I'm finally coming to a point where I'm settling into my life and myself, or perhaps it's because for the first time in my life, I was actually doing the same thing for 1.5 years without so much as a real vacation or a significant change in routine. The biggest change I've been experiencing is replacing my disposable contacts every 30 days or so... where I'd tell myself that this meant I was entering a new month, a new "day" in my life where I could see the world with different eyes (get it, I was starting to wear new contacts) and I could change my outlook, blah, blah, blah...

This week, I think I've finally reached the next era of my life; these will be known as my Law School Days. After a full week of being around campus, although I only had 2 days of class, I think I know what my routine is going to have to be and how I'm going to have to adjust (myself) to fit into that routine. I've been saying for some time now that I'm "campaigning for adulthood," by getting (and wearing) a watch, wearing make-up and painting my nails respectable colors (painting my nails, period), remembering the birthdays of my friends and family, writing/calling people back, making my bed every day and picking my (and someone else's) socks off the floor every morning. Now that I'm in school, I feel like I can't deny the fact that I'm an adult anymore. I will only be known as "Ms. Almquist" in class, I use a laptop to take notes instead of a college-ruled notebook, I have to pay the adult price for AC Transit and Muni monthly passes and i have thousands and thousands of dollars of debt. I'm going to have to learn to study again, watch fewer Netflix DVD's, force myself to stay at school and read after class instead of running home to Aaron, drive myself to meet and talk to as many people at school as possible, join a few clubs, go to school gatherings, volunteer and kiss ass... I think I'll also start smoking again. I don't know if I'll like the new me very much, which just means I'm afraid people won't like me... but I won't have a hard time convincing myself that when people are mean to me or when I'm mean to them, it doesn't really matter because it's not really me, or, at least, it won't be me for long. It's time like this, when things in my life drastically change, that I realize how uncomfortable I am in my own skin so much of the time and how I'm always looking to ditch it for a better one. However, this time, I'm an adult and it doesn't seem to be as easy for me to dis' the old one because it got me this far, to a place where I finally feel like I'm on the verge of coming to a time in my life where I can actually stop striving for the next stage and just... be me. Law school looks like it's going to be a good time in my life and I think I'm going to be OK, provided my friends and loved ones insist I get my damned, adult nose out of my books every once in a while and don't get bored with me. I know I'll complain and complain about little things and get super stressed out all the time, but don't be fooled... I love shit like that. That's just me.

This is totally unrelated, but it's too good to not share.

0) $paginate_current_page = 0; $paginate_sections = array( 0 ); $paginate_top_section = $paginate_sections[$paginate_current_page-1]+1; $paginate_bottom_section = $paginate_sections[$paginate_current_page]; } else { $paginate_top_section = 1; $paginate_bottom_section = 0; } $paginate_self = '&' . $_SERVER['QUERY_STRING'] . '&'; $paginate_self = preg_replace("/&page=[^&]*&/", "&", $paginate_self); $paginate_self = substr($paginate_self, 1, strlen($paginate_self) - 1); if($paginate_self == '&') $paginate_self = ''; else $paginate_self = htmlentities($paginate_self); $paginate_self = basename($_SERVER['PHP_SELF']) . "?${paginate_self}page"; ?> Posted by Kristina at August 22, 2003 10:06 PM

I'll still like you, even if you do become a smoker again. Filthy habit. (hurls own pack of cigs at computer screen in mock disgust).

but seriously, now. I'll still like you.

Posted by: kati at August 23, 2003 12:39 AM

I've been trying to be a new me. But my days are pretty much the same...

Posted by: cody at August 25, 2003 06:00 PM

New you, eh? Hope it's nothing like the old one then ;) Just kidding!! Good Luck :)

Posted by: Jessica at August 27, 2003 08:30 AM